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What to Do When Volunteers Quit in Your Children’s Ministry

When Volunteers Just Can’t Get Along

My greatest leadership flaw during my first four years as a children’s pastor was not dealing with volunteer conflict. During my freshman year of ministry, I allowed a tyrant — we’ll call him Bob — to rule. Bob didn’t like the changes I made. Bob dealt with his displeasure by bullying volunteers and me in an attempt to return the ministry to the prehistoric days when flannel graph freely roamed the earth. My response? I countered with unresponsiveness and just hoped he’d go away. No such luck.

On another occasion, I allowed my first leadership team to be torn apart by two volunteers who were engulfed in a sharp, bitter conflict. One team member eventually retreated to another church and the other retreated to her individual ministry. And I stood by silently and watched it happen.

I’ve since learned that one of my primary roles as children’s minister is to vigilantly shepherd the emotional health of the relationships within the ministry. The greatest part of building a healthy culture is promoting healthy relationships within my ministry. A primary metaphor used to describe the church is “family”; and if we aren’t diligent, we’ll be stuck with “family” — the murderous, jealous, usurping families that populated the book of Genesis. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Here are lessons I’ve learned on the way that’ll serve you well.

  • Address relational problems when they’re small. If you sense that volunteers aren’t getting along, pull them aside and address it. When conflict ferments, it turns to vinegar, never wine. If you even suspect discord between volunteers, address it.
  • Promote the Matthew 18 principle. Jesus instructed us to go directly to the person with whom we’re in conflict. Bring third parties into the disagreement sparingly and to help restore unity. Encourage your volunteers to go directly to the person with whom they’re angry. If a volunteer comes to you with a grievance against another team member, politely interrupt and ask that person if he or she has ever talked directly to the person. If not, steer the person in that direction.
  • Accommodate personal brokenness. Paul told Timothy to “correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.” (2 Timothy 4:2) Remember how unaware you are of all the personal dynamics going on in your volunteer’s life. Is a volunteer sullen? Perhaps he’s going through a dark season in his marriage. A volunteer’s brusque communication style may’ve been developed growing up in an abusive home. Commit to showing grace and mercy. Kindness erodes many poor communication styles in time.
  • Remove the morale destroyers from your teams. There comes a time when patience isn’t enough. Occasionally, you’ll encounter a volunteer who’s built his or her communication style around verbal bullying and intimidation. These people have their poor behavior reinforced by peers cowering to their wishes. The most loving thing you can do for a volunteer at times is to fire him or her and clearly say why.

When you have a morale destroyer on your team, and you aren’t sure whether to act, remember this: Someone is going to leave your team. Do you want it to be your best volunteers who’ll eventually want to escape the bully? Or do you want to remove the bully? It’s your call.

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