This post originally appeared on Jody’s parenting website www.cultivating-kids.com where you can subscribe to the blog by email.
The Roar of the Tiger Mom. We’ve had a month to let it settle in our systems. The initial rage and uproar have relaxed to allow time for parents to reflect upon their parenting, or at least for some.
If you haven’t had time to read the book or excerpts that appeared in The Wall Street Journal, it is Amy Chua’s book The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.
In a nutshell, this Chinese mother and Yale professor shares thoughts on Chinese parenting, more as her memoir and less as a manual.
However, it has been perceived by many to be a manual and as such, brought outrage since it is in sharp contrast to the way many American parents raise their children.
When we move past many of the parenting techniques that even Amy Chua regrets and look to the bigger issues, we must realistically say, a nerve has been touched.
Underlying the fervor are some real fears we need to address:
- Are we doing a good job as parents?
- In light of Chinese students scoring higher than American students and China becoming a superpower, do we need to pay closer attention to how we parent?
- Could there possibly, remotely, be a nugget of truth in what she is saying?
Rank the Tiger in Your Tank
Back to the title, how much tiger is in your parenting tank? Let’s rank your tank.
Your child starts the “Oh, By the Way” swan song about 8:30 p.m. – “ Oh, by the way, I forgot I have a project due in the morning.”
Which parent are you? Let’s rank how much tiger is in your tank.
Reactionary Parent:
Scream and yell: “How many times have I told you…” and the lecture series begins … again … but to no avail.
Best Friend Parent:
(Also known as the Helicopter Parent who hovers, helps, and is always on a rescue mission.) “I understand, sweetie, your schedule is so full. Isn’t it great that we have stores open 24/7? Let’s run to the store, get what you need, grab a special snack, and we’ll get this ‘ole project done in no time. You know I’m always here for you. Let’s go, baby!”
Logical Consequences Parent:
(Remember, you are detached from the deed, not your child). “You have an hour before bedtime. Get as much done as you can.” The weeping and wailing begin. “But, I need you to help me, go buy the ‘stuff’, call my teacher and say I’m sick, look up the topic….” You, theparent: “Sorry, that’s not my job. The project is your job. That is why you are in school.” Child: “But if you don’t help me, I will get an F!” Parent: “Yes, that could be a possibility, and so I would use this time to get as much done as I could.” And, walk away!!! Your child is a genius at knowing how to make you feel guilty and that is why you walk away. It isn’t your job to head up the rescue mission. Don’t buy in on this guilt trip, it’s a one way ride, and you pay for the ticket. Remember, you’re detached from the deed, not your child. Let that be your mantra. Repeat after me… I am detached from the deed, not my child…
Some Chinese Parents:
“You will stay up all night if you have to, but you will not shame me. You will get an A on this project. This will not happen again. You will plan ahead, be prepared, work hard, and do your best. Anything short of an A is not acceptable.”
Parenting to the Personality
Parenting is complex. One of the reasons is because children have different personalities.
In each of my books, I present the principle, and then apply it to each personality-type.
Chau acknowledges in the book that her first child was compliant and made it appear that this system of discipline was superior. But then the second child came along.
In my parenting classes I say, “If your first child was your easy child, don’t get too smug and think you are Parent of the Year. Be humble lest you tumble. Wait until your 2nd or 3rd child before you claim the title. So much of it has to do with the personality of the child.”
One of my dearest friends had three easy children and was so sure I was wrong on this point…until her 4th child came along. We have good laughs about this…after her therapy sessions each week. Ha!
Because this is not a book, I am going to skip past the different personality types. If this is an interest of yours, you may check out Cherishing and Challenging Your Children, which was the 2nd book I wrote. (An update is coming out on this book in 2012, but the principles on personality remain consistent.)
Fast Forward
Back to ranking the amount of tiger you have in your tank:
Choice # 1: Reactionary Parent: If you saw yourself in the first parent who reacts in anger and rage, you may end up with an angry, defiant child who feels a lack of support from you as a parent. Of course, that is not what you want, but that may be the result. Lecturing is a one-way street and leads to a dead-end. You can say, “Well, I work hard. My boss wouldn’t let me get away with it, I would be fired and so I have the responsibility of teaching that to my child.” Of course that is true, but it is all in howyou teach it.
Choice # 2: Best Friend Parent: If you choose to be a Helping, Hovering, Helicopter Parent, your child will have a chummy, cozy childhood but often grows up—no excuse me—doesn’t grow up. Why leave the Cottage of All Comfort? At age 30, they are often still at home. Mom is still cooking the meals and doing the laundry because it’s a “mean ol’ world out there, and hey, the economy is really hard.” In essence, you never taught your child how to work hard, and now they hardly know how to work.
Choice # 3: The Logical Consequences Parent says, “I love you too much to ultimately let you fail in life which means you might have to fail in this smaller step so you can learn the bigger lesson.” This is tough love. This is where you are detached from the deed, but not your child.
Choice # 4: Some Chinese Parents: In the book, the compliant child fell in line with the rigid requirements, practiced her music lessons for seven hours a day, did homework seven nights a week, with no sleepovers and wasting time on Facebook “like many American children,” and she did not seem to resent it. In fact, she wants to raise her children the “Chinese” way.
However, the 2nd child rebelled and strongly. To the mother’s credit, she responded by seeing her child through a different lens. She began to allow choices and the girl responded positively.
Parenting is Not a “Paint by the Numbers”
If parenting was easy, everyone would be doing it. Oh yes, many are doing it. But that still doesn’t make it easy. Most parents are struggling, looking for answers, praying for wisdom, and hoping they don’t make too many mistakes that will affect their children in the long-term.
What can we take away from this to apply for this week:
1. Training our children to work hard is always a positive. In fact, this will be a separate blog, but research shows that praising a child for hard work makes a child eager to take on more demanding tasks. (Carol Dweck, 2010)
2. Do some American parents allow their children too much free time? Yes. It is wise for all parents to provide a balance of structured time for family, homework, reading, exercise, church/school activities, and practicing a skill along with free time with friends, creative thinking, sports, and areas of interest.
3. Cognitive neuroscience confirms the wisdom of what Chinese parents understand: practice does help get information in the brain. But we don’t need to be overly obsessive about it. In all things, there is a balance. Read this article from Timemagazine to learn more.
Relationships, unconditional love, and spending time will always be the glue that holds it all together and makes it work.
