Can you tell if your child is lying to you?
I should probably say when, because unless your children were switched with angels at the hospital, there’s a 100% chance they lie to you.
No matter, most parents will respond. I can tell when my child lies to me and I correct it immediately.
The thing is, most parents are wrong about this.
A recent study discovered that parents can only identify a lie slightly better than 50% of the time. Meaning, a coin toss. The same odds anyone has in an either/or choice.
(Interestingly, teachers scored better than parents in subsequent studies – closer to 60% – the highest group of all! Good job teachers, though still a lousy percentage and pretty discouraging if that’s first place.)
THE PEEKING GAME
Dr. Victoria Talwar of Montreal created “The Peeking Game” to study children in the act of lying.
In this guessing game, a child is paired with an adult and told that if they get three guesses correct, they win a prize. The child sits in a chair facing away from the adult, who produces an object that makes a sound. The first two are typically easy, something like a police car siren or baby doll crying.
The third one is intentionally impossible to guess, such as a soft soccer ball placed on top of a musical greeting card. The card is briefly opened and then closed but hidden under the ball.
The child tries to guess but struggles. At this point, the adult makes up an excuse to leave the room, saying, “Don’t peek while I’m gone.”
Like the Marshmallow Test, the time spent waiting is too much for the children to handle. Eventually they peek.
On the return of the adult, many children scream out, “A soccer ball!” and then proceed to make up some completely illogical explanation of how they ever guessed it. Their rationale can be pretty hysterical. Until you realize what’s going on.
Sometimes the parents are later shown a videotape of their child lying. Naturally they are surprised and shocked to witness the lengths to which the child will go to sell their lie and win the prize.
SO WHY DO KIDS LIE?
Most of the time it’s to get something they want or to avoid something they don’t want. In the case of “The Peeking Game,” the desire is for the prize.
But do you know what children want the most? Their parents’ approval. Can you guess what they avoid the most? Their parents’ disapproval.
A follow-up study videotaped families in their homes and found that children lie at least once every single hour. Most of the lies are to cover up something small they did so that their parent won’t be upset with them. Something like, “No, I didn’t spill that,” “I didn’t hit my brother,” or “I didn’t sneak a candy.”
One interesting thing that emerged from the study, though, was how rarely parents punished these small lies, most of which they knew were lies because their child was too young to cover it up well. Often a parent would know the truth and set the child up to lie.
Yet the instances of everyday lies only received a small disapproval from the parent. In fact, the great majority of the time children were punished more often for tattling than for lying.
Of course, no parent or teacher wants a child to constantly tell on their friends. They want them to learn to work things out on their own.
But what messages are we sending to kids when we say, Don’t tattle, or Tell your Aunt Cindy you like the present, or they hear us on the phone say, No, he’s not home when the child can see the other parent is, in fact, home.
My point is, a lot of the time they’re learning these little lies from us.
I personally believe each child, no matter how precious and innocent, has a sin nature. They don’t need to be taught how to lie; it comes naturally.
But that doesn’t make them evil, nor does it alleviate the responsibility we have as parents to correct lies and to model honesty ourselves.
You know what Talwar discovered was the most productive form of getting kids to tell the truth in her studies? It wasn’t the threat of punishment, and it wasn’t being told they wouldn’t be in trouble. It was simply saying, “I will be happy if you tell the truth, even if the truth is you lied.”
Why does this work? It is because what is most important to children is their relationship with you. That matters to them more than anything else. So use that fact to help train them to do what is right. And the time is now. Because the studies show that once lying becomes engrained, it is extremely difficult for children to stop once they’re past the age of 12.
The Bible has much to say about lying. God knew it would be a temptation. Invest time in your child to go through some of the scriptures that are age-appropriate and discuss them together. When your child knows that your love is unconditional, you can do much to help them learn why we want to break this habit. As always, modeling honesty and transparency is a key factor when we are teaching our children.
“Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment.” Proverbs 12:19
“‘Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another.’” Leviticus 19:11
