Gracenomics: Squaring off with the Grace Killers

PICKAXES & NIBBLED BY DUCKS

When Census worker Sherri Chesney approached a woman working in her garden, she politely introduced herself and showed her Bureau badge. The woman’s reaction? “I don’t need the blankety-blank government snooping in my business”—a declaration she punctuated by a metal patio table thrown at Chesney.

Shocking? Yes. But it isn’t even a singular occurrence.

According to Carol Morello of the Washington Post, Census takers have been “shot at with pellet guns and hit by baseball bats. They have been confronted with pickaxes, crossbows and hammers. They’ve had lawn mowers pushed menacingly toward them and patio tables thrown their way. They have been nibbled by ducks, bitten by pit bulls and chased by packs of snarling dogs.”

And it’s getting worse, not better.

In 2010, the Census Bureau reported 379 assaults on census workers, almost double the 181 recorded assaults made during the 2000 census.

Citizens’ backlash against the census captures a glimpse of the rising hostility emerging in our relationships. 

Never before has GRACENOMICS FOR OTHERS been so needed. The census assaults didn’t shock me though because I often get a front row seat to observe hostility.

But in many cases, a spot close to the action isn’t something to brag about.

As I counsel others, it’s often like I have ring-side seats at a MMA match.

I hear every crack and thud of fist meeting flesh and occasionally I have to duck the blood and sweat flying my direction. Some people get off on that. I don’t.

The stuff I’ve seen as people bash out their conflicts is equally capable of making onlookers cringe:

Best friends rattling off tedious laundry lists of gripes and “hurts” they’ve been collecting against each other.

Leaders delivering torturous speeches shifting blame to scapegoat employees.

Couples ripping on each other’s inadequacies and lack of understanding.

Any one of these situations could be radically changed—and sometimes were changed—by just a little bit of grace.

That is, if grace was in more plentiful supply.


MONKEY TIME AND THE FORGIVENESS INSTINCT

The thirst for revenge is natural. Instinctive.

Hating on freeloaders, Wall Street types, and people who hurt us is…human. 

Payback is in our DNA.

David McCullough, professor of Psychology at the University of Miami and author of the book Beyond Revenge, points out that western therapy often sees revenge as a disease. But actually, according to McCullough, revenge is a biological impulse that is part of a creature’s innate, hard-wired ability to fight for survival.

Take the Macaque monkey. If a Macaque is harmed by a stronger, more powerful Macaque, even though the victim cannot exact their revenge directly on his stronger offender, he will go out and find the relative of the higher Macaque and harm him instead.

Revenge is natural stuff, although—be warned—McCullough found it can lead to some very ugly behaviors in the long run.

But there is good news. The tendency to forgive is in our DNA too. “The forgiveness instinct is every bit as wired in as the revenge instinct,” McCullough said. “It seems that our minds work very hard to get away from resentment, if we can.”

And here is the best news of all. McCullough does not believe forgiveness is this enormous, impossible thing for humans to practice. Instead, he believes forgiveness is a built-in instinct seen in humans’ unique ability to cooperate with others.

McCullough maintains we already forgive in small, routine ways every day. We just need to feed and develop this instinct that is already at work.

Mike Foster leads an organization called People of the Second Chance which provides innovative strategies on failure and crisis. Mike also serves as the Creative Principal at PlainJoe Studios in Southern California. He blogs daily at www.POTSC.com and is @MikeFoster on Twitter.

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