Yes, I believe it does. A man who interacts with only one woman — his wife — develops a skewed understanding of “women” in general. The only male-female relationship he knows is a sexual one.
So what happens when, despite his avoidance of women, he is forced to interact with one of us? There is often an unnaturally heightened tension.
Part of the reason for this is that guys feel like any relationships with women who are not their wives are inherently wrong. So they aren’t open about these relationships, or they feel ashamed of them, or they lie to others to hide them. Then, when things start to actually go in a direction they shouldn’t, the alarm bells aren’t going off in this guy’s head. They’ve been going off the whole time (wrongly) and he’s trained himself to ignore them.
Pastor, you have responsibilities. Women trust you. They are vulnerable with you as a spiritual leader and see you as safe. You are respected and put on a pedestal by your congregation. That puts you in a very vulnerable spot as well.
When vulnerable meets vulnerable, emotions can be shared too easily.
How can we overcome this?
Again, I’m not a teacher or counselor who has a lot of answers. I’m better known for my questions. But there are a few things that I believe could start the conversation in your church:
Hire more women. Teach healthy relationships in a controlled environment. Place more women in prominent volunteer roles.
At The Summit Church, we have open work spaces and shared offices so that conversations among both men and women happen in open, safe environments. All of our doors have windows.
Keep yourself away from vulnerable situations with women, but do not avoid the women altogether. You are still the leader of the church and should be accessible. Being above reproach does not mean being unapproachable.
Pastors need to lead pastors in this. Address these things on your blogs and in your networks. Teach each other and hold each other accountable.
What about women?
Are we also at higher risk for moral failure because of the inability to have healthy relationships with men? Probably.
The difference between men and women is we’re not as often in a position of leadership where men come to us seeking our approval and help in the same way. We’re also faced with the reality of working with men more often.
I’ve needed to learn how to effectively work with men and lead men in the roles I’ve been in. I have a lot of practice on the healthy side of these relationships.
By addressing some of these things, I believe we can avoid dangerous relationships without alienating the women in our churches and on our staff teams by having no relationship with them at all.
This article originally appeared here on Ed Stetzer’s blog.
