In a culture of permissiveness, I believe the popularity of shows like this reveals that we see the truth behind honest feedback, and the love behind true accountability, and we genuinely long for it.
That’s right — as leaders, doing what’s “most needed or important,” and serving others and the greater good, often requires doing the hard things in life, whether it’s confronting somebody or holding them accountable for their actions. It often requires being the “bad guy,” so that others can feel the severity of what they’ve done. I would imagine that all parents of children can understand the importance of this.
But our need for feedback and accountability doesn’t stop when we’re adults!
My wife recently wrote in an assignment for an online leadership course: “Sometimes it’s only in the process of being confronted that we realize the weight and impact of our behavior on others.”
She explained to me how hard it is for leaders to confront others because it requires them to sit in the discomfort of appearing unkind, and potentially jeopardizes the relationship with the person whom they’re confronting. So, often, we end up minimizing our feedback to make it seem less severe, or add flattery or compliments to ease our own tension.
But do we have the courage and integrity to sit in the discomfort and ambiguity of confrontation for the sake of giving honest feedback that could help a person to grow? Personally, I find that very challenging and hard to do.
Of course, we want to do everything with both truth (giving honest feedback) and grace (giving honest feedback in a gracious way). However, I’ve found that if there’s one side that’s usually compromised, it’s telling the truth. It’s so much easier to say positive things to people. Who wouldn’t want to be seen as an encourager and “cheerleader” who is only giving others compliments?
But being just a cheerleader is not leadership, and more than that — it can be a gentle killer.
If we’re not willing to do the hard things, like confronting, giving honest critical feedback, and holding others accountable, we are enabling sin and dysfunction in other people, and in our organization. It means that we are not willing to point out, or stand against, injustice. It means we are not protecting others.
That is spineless, unjust and unloving leadership. I’ve been guilty of it far too often, shying away from difficult conversations I know need to happen. There are many times when I’m feeling down or weak in spirit, and the last thing I want to be is the “bad guy” — I just want to be accepted and supported! That’s why every day, I pray for the courage to not compromise, but to do what’s truly just and loving.
