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Has Anger Built Your Church?

One of the principles we study in coaching is how the things we refuse to accept about ourselves end up controlling our lives.

The principle is summed up in this pithy phrase: “What you can’t be with, rules your life.” In other words, if I “can’t be with” failure, my life will inevitably be ruled by a driving need to win or succeed in everything I do, at any cost.

Or if I “can’t be with” weakness, I’ll wrap my life around the driving need to always be strong, and judge my own weakness as hideous and utterly unacceptable.

“What you can’t be with, rules your life.”

So, as a leader, what is it you “can’t be with”?

Failure? Looking foolish? Being disrespected? Being perceived as wrong?

A leader who hasn’t taken an honest look at the shadow motivations driving his or her behavior will often end up being controlled by them.

There are all kinds of shadow motivations out there, but in my work with faith-based leaders, I’ve found the following shadow motivations to be most common:

The driving need to win.

The driving need to prove yourself.

The driving need to be liked.

The driving need to be in the spotlight.

The driving need to be right.

The driving need to control.

Which of these hit home for you?

If you’ve never had the chance, I’d suggest picking up a copy of Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership by Gary McIntosh and Samuel Rima. It’s a great first step toward identifying the shadow motivations that drive your leadership, and getting practical guidance on how to engage them with compassion and grace.

Also, consider hiring a coach. One of the great benefits of coaching is the multiplied impact of partnering with a skilled, confidential ally to help you uncover your blind spots and become, in every way, the kind of leader you most want to be. I know several terrific coaches, and would be happy to explore with you what it looks like to work with me or help you find another coach that better fits your needs. Just hit me up for a free exploratory session.

Meantime, I’m curious: What other shadow motivations have you seen at work in faith leaders?