The Slow Drip of Little Conflicts.
People compliment ministers a great deal. At times, it simply may be an expected courtesy. But, more often, the compliments are genuine.
But these compliments quickly fade from memory, and we are not about to go home and list them, one by one, to our families. It would just be awkward, and more than a little immodest. So, we hear them or read them and then just move on. They brighten our day, but not our week.
An angry confrontation, however, marks us like a hot branding iron. We remember the words, the posture, our responses, their responses to our responses and so forth. It pulls us toward anxiety, and we can’t fully get it out of mind. So, when evening comes, at some point, we pour out the scene for our supportive and concerned spouse. We feel a lit tle better. It’s important that our spouse knows what’s going on. And, it will be a new day tomorrow.
The problem is that our spouse doesn’t hear the whole story. We don’t regularly pass on the compliments. And, being human, we tell about confrontations from our own perspective. We are hurt and we are drawn to garner allies. And, on our list of allies, our spouse is right there at the top.
So, over weeks and months and years, our spouse will tend to be fed a very distorted version of what we experience in day-to-day ministry. We are much more likely to share the painful than to pass on every compliment. We may be receiving one real criticism for every hundred or more compliments. But our spouse may hear that we work for a church that’s negative and critical. This fosters the unfortunate “my wife really hates this church” dilemma. Tragically, some ministers wonder aloud how their sweet wife became so negative toward the church.
When any serious sudden conflict flares up in this kind of environment, expect your spouse to view some people, perhaps even most, in the church as uncaring and unappreciative people out to get you. The framework you have constructed over time makes that perception as predictable as it is inaccurate.
Breaking and Making Triangles.
The systems model of how families and groups work is increasingly recognized as one of the greatest insights of the 20th century into how families (and churches) work. The short and very readable How Your Church Family Works by Peter Steinke (Alban, 2006) may be the most important book for church leaders seeking to understand conflict in churches. In it, Steinke unpacks Murray Bowen’s systems theory in ways that serve to explain church conflict and empower church leaders in new and effective approaches at addressing those conflicts.
“Triangling” (as in make triangles) is a centerpiece of all systems theory. People in distress naturally and inevitably seek someone to bring to their side of the conflict. Doing this relieves some of the discomfort, at least temporarily.
The truth is, opening our anger and hurts up to current or potential allies only seems to provide relief. In the long run, restating our own version of the events and re-explaining (with increasing proficiency) our interpretation of what’s going on serve to solidify and often deepen our certainty that we are right and someone else is wrong.
Christian leaders must do three important things to change this pattern, particularly with their families. These changes are neither easy nor natural.
1. Say nothing to anyone in the first 48 hours after an unexpected and hurtful conflict. Send no emails. Post nothing on Facebook.
2. Sit down with another Christian leader who is not in your current church (after 48 hours) and describe (obviously from your own perspective) what has happened. Listen as well as talk.
3. Tell your spouse only what he or she needs to know to understand the basics of the conflict, not what he or she needs to know to take your side.
