Going Through a Tough Breakup With Your Church

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This humorous piece sheds light on the often difficult experience of finding a new church.

EDITOR’S NOTE: In this humorous piece, comedian John Crist shares how difficult it can be to find a new church. We invite you to share your experiences in finding a church in the comment section below.

I was walking into church the other day and saw a girl pulling into the expectant mothers parking spot.

I looked at her and said, “Um, I gotta be honest ma’am, you don’t look that pregnant.”

She said, “I’m not. I’m not even married. I’m just believing in God for a husband and a family one day.”

Oh. This must be one of those “Name it and Claim it” churches.

I’m out.

See, this is what happens when you get desperate and just start randomly Googling churches on Saturday night.

Full disclosure: I was committed to a lovely church in Colorado Springs for six years until I moved to Denver and we just couldn’t do the distance anymore (it was mutual). Not gonna lie, I was on the rebound.

You know how Christian girls keep a list of non-negotiable qualities their future husband must have?

I figured I’d come up with a similar list for my next church relationship.

Here’s mine.

  • Worship Jesus.
  • Preach from the Bible.
  • No flag ladies.

To me, everything else is up for debate. But I was just coming out of a long-term relationship with a church that I loved, some irrational decisions were bound to be made. I was on the rebound for six weeks, here’s what happened.

John Crist is an award-winning standup comedian from Denver, Colorado. He just got back from a comedy tour for the troops in Kuwait and is currently on tour across the country. For tour dates and standup videos visit www.johncristcomedy.com or find him on Twitter @johnbcrist.

More from John Crist or visit John at http://www.prodigalmagazine.com/

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  • Sung Kim

    What a funny but insightful article, Brother John! And congrats on your new relationship. Hopefully it’s one that centers around Jesus. Thank you and blessings!

  • Amy

    Funny article…….thanks for the humor needed for what can be a heartbreaking time. It’s been one year since leaving my church of 44 years. Visited more churches this year than I ever had in the previous 44. Thinking God wanted me to experience some forms of worship outside of my box. Still no permanent Sunday church but i know Gods still working on that. Six months ago I would have cried over this….now I can find humor. I do have a home church, very connected to and happy with but we meet on Thursdays hence why I still am searching for a Sunday home. But I know…..it will come and in the meantime enjoying meeting new people and just experiencing what is out there.

  • N8

    Dude, hilarious!

  • william

    We’ve been to those same churches! And, we usually see lots
    of people there. People who like the relationships they find. People who love
    music and hear in it a word that speaks to their pain. People who start to
    believe that God might actually exist, understand, and love them, anyway. It
    takes all kinds, doesn’t it. And, isn’t it most important that people connect
    with a healthy faith community – regardless of style?

  • Pastor C

    I’m a pastor and to read this makes my thoughts run wild at what happens in our services. Crazy, funny things that a guest would find less than amusing. For the most part everyone is so different. In their sincerity they do things that are laughable. You gotta love ‘em! Thanks for this comical view of the body of Christ!

  • CJBloyer

    I moved 5 hours away from my hometown to go to college and during the 6 1/2 years I lived there, I visited somewhere between 26 and 30 churches, only 2 of which had the “stuff” I was interested in. Some of my stories are funny like these (the singles group I connected with in one church asked me to tell them about myself – I spent 20 minutes talking about how I was going to that college so that I would have the opportunity to study abroad for an extended period and how I wanted to be a lawyer and work at the U.N. someday. The first comment after that spiel was “Well, I hope you’re not here looking for a husband, because you’ve come to the wrong church then.”) and some of them are just sad. I’ve since moved back to my hometown and am deeply invested/involved in the ministries of the church I grew up in, but those experiences certainly make a huge difference in how I view our church on Sundays. The three most important things I found were: preaching the Gospel, a love for Christ and for each other, and a serious interest (more than just shaking of hands and saying “Good Morning”) in those they don’t know well.
    There are always “tips and tricks” that other churches do that we like to try, but they all have to fit under the broad goals of “Love God, Love People, Serve Others” and that is something we are working toward, not just in the community but in our Sunday service as well.

  • Deana Callins

    The Revelation of the Holy Spirit!
    Is The Vessel (Spirit & Soul) that your Body(being a Host) is carrying; Full, of the fullness of Christ anointing or Empty, being drained by the devil of the riches of Chirst?
    Daniel 7:25 And (he the devil) shall “Speak” great ‘words’ Against the most High, and shall (Wear Out) the Saints (Of) the Most High, and “Think” to Change times and laws; and (they) shall be given into his hand “Until” A Time and times and the dividing of Time.
    7:26 BUT the judgment SHALL sit(Christ), and They Shall “Take” Away (his) dominion; to consume and to destroy it unto The End.
    The Antynum for ‘Full” is: empty, “Exhausted”, insufficient, inadequate, void. These are all strategy of the devil is to AT’Tempt to “TAKE” from (you) the “riches” of his power The Spirit of the Lord has given (you). Our Treasure/Riches in Christ Is our strength, peace, love, and joy IN the Lord.
    Exhaust (to draw out, to empty, drain, to tire out, to consume strength, “Wear out”, Deplete, to ‘Use’ up, Tired).
    Revelation 13:6 And (he) Opened his “Mouth” in blasphemy Against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle, and (them) that dwell in heaven(you who are seated with Christ in heaven; as he Is -so are we in him).
    13:7 And it was given to him to “Make War” with the Saints and to overome them:
    12:7 And the serpent(being a Spirit) spewed out of his ‘Mouth” water(words, accusaions, assaults, cursing) after the woman (the bride of Christ), that he might “Cause” her To Be Carried Away of the Flood(with the words from his Mouth).
    The devil is hidding behind someone who allows him to use them (with their mouth) against God and his people. So Be Strong In The Lord and WATCH and listen to what your Saying and Thinking. May God Bless the Saints of His people WHO Love Him(Being The Word) and HIS people.

    • Deana Callins

      The Treasures and Riches of Jesus Christ!
      Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with All your getting get understanding. Proverbs 4:6-8
      Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.Proverbs 3:12-14

    • MDJ

      True and very insightful. We come to services prepared to be filled, and be used to encourage and minister to HIM. I may see those churches or people around during Sunday, but if i did nothing to encourage or influence them lovingly, then i am just the same. Worst if i am just being used by the enemy.

  • servent of the most high

    I left my church. And i feel really hurt. There is alot of emotions i feel now. Its werid but its like breaking up with a person. Well im looking for a new home church. Its harder then i thought. Your story has really encouraged me. Thank you

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