Living Together – A Biblical Approach
As church leaders, it is easy to fall into one of two extremes. We either ignore the fact that couples are living together and do nothing, or we heavy-handedly refuse to serve them at all, imposing rules upon them that don’t lead to conviction or changed hearts.
We must fight the temptation of these extremes and instead stay on the road of grace and truth.
Cohabitation needs to be addressed boldly yet graciously. We must remember we are shepherding two people who might resist, not trying to forcefully solve an uncomfortable problem with an ultimatum.
Always turn to Scripture when discussing cohabitation with couples. When we don’t, they feel we are offering our opinion, which they can choose to disagree with. What ensues is an argument or discussion that won’t go anywhere.
Where should we turn in Scripture?
Biblically, there is no verse that speaks specifically about cohabitation, although Jesus lovingly confronts the woman at the well in John 4:18 (“the one you now have is not your husband”). Although they are important and true, avoid turning to Scriptures that speak about “morality” (“sexual immorality … must not even be named … ” Eph. 5:3). Most couples feel those Scriptures don’t apply to their situation, so they dodge the issue or rationalize it away.
But the Bible is still our primary source of guidance for cohabiting couples. When counseling cohabiting couples, focus on two key areas:
1. God’s design for marriage and relationships.
2. God’s will through wisdom and holiness.
God’s Design for Marriage and Relationships.
The blueprint verse for marriage and relationships remains Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
The word “therefore” pertains to the fact that God created Adam and Eve as male and female and then joined them together as husband and wife in marriage. In the biblical definition of marriage, a husband moves in with his wife under the protective covenant of marriage. One husband and one wife were meant to live together, not one unmarried man and one unmarried woman.
Importantly, Genesis 2:24 is repeated both by Jesus in Matthew 19:5 and by Paul in Ephesians 5:32. There is continuity and agreement throughout Scripture about the definition of marriage.
God’s design for building oneness in marriage is evident even in secular research, which confirms that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce if they end up getting married.
