Many of those who lead worship sense a lack of respect from those with whom they work. Sometimes from direct comments or confrontations to indirect comments or body language, but the message communicated to the “designated leader” is one of lack of respect. How can leadership gain the respect they need? How can those who serve under poor leadership show proper respect? Let’s consider some options.
Though intended for husbands and wives, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, gives a great basis for this discussion in his book, Love and Respect [Thomas Nelson, 2004]. I would like to borrow some general principles he mentions as well as some other ideas that I believe might be of help.
According to Eggerichs, men define themselves more by what they do than what they say, while women, on the whole, are more relational. Understanding this difference is key for working with volunteers as a leader and working “under” different leaders. Now, however, I would like to focus on the general topic of how leaders gain respect from those with whom they work and how these volunteers can express it.
1. To earn respect, you must give respect. How does a leader show respect for those volunteers with whom he or she works? There are several ways, but let me mention a few:
– By making the expectations of the responsibility clear from the beginning. If the leader keeps adding responsibilities or commitments to what was originally agreed, the volunteer will become frustrated. Understanding what was being expected of them becomes a moving target and the volunteer will begin to question his or her ability to participate, not knowing if there will be more “surprises” along the way.
– Respecting volunteer’s time. Wasting rehearsal time by not being ready, learning the music with the group rather than teaching it, talking too much, getting a late start or constantly going overtime—all of these reflect a general attitude of disrespect to the volunteers with whom you work.
– Respecting the volunteer’s opinion. Listening to the opinions of others does not mean accepting everything they say as an option upon which to act. However, many leaders are surprised by comments from volunteers that what they say is being ignored. How can we better listen to these suggestions? One helpful tool is called active listening, in which you repeat back to the person what they have said without giving an evaluation of the comment. Don’t say, “What do you mean the bridge in this song doesn’t fit? You just don’t know how to play.” But rather, “You are saying that the bridge doesn’t seem to fit. What seems wrong about it to you?” By asking for clarification you have affirmed the person and shown respect. Even if the idea seems off the wall, you can say “that’s interesting, and we might try that later, but right now let’s see if we can focus on this.
2. Respect is earned, not bought or purchased, or demanded. As a leader, respect may be demanded, but will not be given if those on whom the demands are forced do not consider the person worthy of respect. When working with volunteers, the leader must remember that they are here as volunteers and the level of demand must be in line with that reality, and not compared to someone whose only job and income is to do that job.
One very damaging attempt at earning respect is by showing favoritism. Few things destroy respect faster than when volunteers sense or see favoritism on the part of the leader or the one that is responsible for making decisions. Favoritism foments jealously and cultivates a spirit of unhealthy competition.
